canvas and manuscript

  

Guess where I just came from. No I'm not referring to what internet-less abyss I have been stuck in all this time resulting to the many months of no updates on this blog. I meant where I just came from now.

Just got back home from a basketball game at the plaza with Kuya Jan Rey and Pastor Ru. Papa's thundering yet warm scoldings greeting me and my half-petrified body. hay naku.

It's been a while since I played in a game. I didn't even think I still had it in me. But oh well somethings die over the years, others don't. It's kinda funny though because after months of inactivity, my comeback on the court was actually against a bunch of tambays. So I pray, 'God have mercy.'

I don't have to be the one to tell you how good those guys are. A product of their idleness which always lures them into the covered gym and years of driving heavy trisikads, their cager skills can almost surpass mine. Almost.

But of course, we won the game, I scored a decent number of field goals, and not to mention shot the winning point. Forgive me for not resisting my ego, but I'm actually saying this to open a statement.

I wonder how it would probably be being one of those tambays. I can imagine it now. I wouldn't have to go to class because my public school teacher won't probably give crap if I attended class or not, I would get pay for working in construction sites or watching my mom's sari-sari stores, I would never have to worry about my laptop crashing or my car overheating, I would have the simplest life.

Those guys really live the best of life, but think about it well. No school equals no future. The only reason they want to work is because their parents can't get a job that pays enough. The very thought of having info tech at the palm of their hands has never crossed their mind. Not such a simple life now is it?

I couldn't help but think about it the very minute I threw in that last fade away shot and got it in, "Do these people respect me, Kuya Jan Rey and Pastor Ru now because we beat them at basketball? Or is the only reason to their fear and high regards for us the fact that we live economically better lives than they do?"

Money doesn't make the world go 'round, true, but without money, the world would never go 'round for you. Those guys looked up to us because we had what they didn't: high hopes and an ensured future.

Come to think of it, it's always like that in the minds of everyone. We respect the people who have the answer to our problems, hoping we'd get those answers from them.

Now, all of you who know I have had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ majority of my life know where this is heading to. We, who know God in a deeper way than what is normal but substantial today, have the answer to every problem on earth, and we should never refuse to share that to others.

I just hope Kuya Jan Rey and Pastor Ru don't forget what I forgot: to invite those guys to church.

You know.

Five minutes ago I was standing by the concrete driveway brushing my feet across the grass. I heard a banging noise coming from outside the house and I just had to see the source of the sound.

No. No one was banging on the gate. No one trashing the car (thankfully). No one vandalizing nor loitering. All there was was a thunder storm, a really big one, and it was coming my way.

Thunder clouds are one of the many things I don't see so much anymore these days. Not after school got stressful, not after joko and shane went away, not after lola betty, not after lolo oscar, not after I left Miagao, not after mama.

Life just seems to get harder and harder every second, and sometimes fate refuses to give you some closure. Not one moment to breathe.

Moments I think, I'm skipping instead of marching, that I'm out of tempo. Life is bringing too many things too fast. It's not technically passing me by too fast, it's just bringing too many things to handle at once. And often wonder, 'where have the times when I could stand by he driveway just to watch a thunderstorm?'

Who wouldn't? I mean, they're beautiful in many ways. They're majestic, huge. And despite it's size and assumingly equivalent mass, it just hangs there in midair, running a beautiful light show. A display of a wonderful array. It just lights up, burns and dies, then lights up again, burns and dies. Next thing I knew, I was heading towards the house. The clouds were all around me at that time.

You know, sometimes life can be like thunderstorms. It's big, it's noisy, it disorients you, yet it is incomparable.

The biggest of problems shake even the most steadfast of men. I never thought that I would enter such a desperate state. I'm crying and begging for a break. Sometimes I can't help but let it resound, 'life is cruel'.

But is it really?

I used to think the perfect life was a life without problems, but come to think of it really, if you lived a life with no conflict, no opposition, nothing to keep the action rolling, would you consider your life normal?

It's all about getting the right Point of View. From one point, it might seem that the weight of the world is on your shoulders and pressing you down. But check from another point of view and you'll see that the world actually suspends in midair in front of you. Raging and raving, but it is not at all on your shoulders. It just hangs there. Like a thunderstorm

Everyone has a hard time, and for a good reason too. Because life is all about having a hard time. Everyday, you get up not to do what you want to do, but rather to do what you have to do in hopes that after you have done what you have to do, you can finally do what you want to.

No prize goes with out a competition. Life is cruel, yes it's true. But in all it's mercilessness and brutality, it is made beautiful.

I

I've lost count of the weeks, months that have come and gone since June 25, 2008. Everything that has been occurring in between today and the day of my mother's passing has been overwhelming for our family.

In fact, so many things have happened that I forgot to update Canvas and Manuscript. My apologies for those religious bloggers who have opened their multiply accounts only to see 'bikomabilog' hasn't posted in weeks. 

I really don't have anything else to say to everyone right now, except a redundant and old fashion thank you for the support, prayers and blessings you have never failed to shower and drown us in.

We, the family just wanna know how you people are. This is more of an open thread. Hoping to hear from you guys.

 It came to my mind to post my tribute that i had read at my moms wake.

Here it goes.

I have come to share some thoughts i have of my mother, someone for me is an epitome of strength.

She has planted wonderful memories in our hearts and disciplined us not for her own good but for us to learn how to defend/fight for our rights. Thus, making us having our own strength.

During our last talk last sunday, amidst all the strong winds, rain and flood, she stroked my face with her hands all covered with tubes and needles and said "ka gwapa sa imo" and I overheard her tell the nurses that she is so blessed to have both kiko and I. Little did she know that  I feel even more blessed to have her in life and that I have inherited my good looks from her. I held back my tears just to show her that I am as strong as she has taught me to be, and for her not to worry about us.

I heard her last laugh when she forced my dad to go and buy me some mangoes for her to enjoy eating. As i saw her in pain i rubbed her head to ease the pain but for her easing it would be pulling me back and holding me close.

So as my teacher told out class to make a scrapbook for "someone special in my life", i need not to think who i would dedicate it to, allow me to read an excerpt of one of my poems i wrote for her.

You were there

You were there when I took my first step

until i learned how to run.

You were there in out times of trouble

and to lift our spirits up.

You were there to teach us not to never give up

until we had to continue life.

You were there to put in out medals

and to show you were very proud of us.

You were there to make us happy

by treating us to a wonderful dinner.

You were there to help me improve my talents

until you told me i did great.

You were there to listen to my problems

especially it was about boys

You were there to comfort me

even though i did wrong too.

You were there to keep e strong

in times of worrying.

You reminded me not to worry alot

'cause you didnt want me to have cancer too.

Wat should i expect more from a mother?

That i already have You.

I love you 'ma.!

As i wrote this poem, i felt great comfort and peace in my heart knowing that she will even do more better than what she had done on earth.

She has promised me that she will always be by my side to comfort me and guide me and I will hold on to that promise, as she has and will never break her promises to me.

This verse will ring true for me and I pray it will to each of you too...

He took her by the hand and said to her, "TALITHA KUOM!" (little girl, i say to you, get up!)Mark 5:41

I hope that my mama has made an impact in each of your lives as much as it had mine.

I thank every individual who has made my mother strong enough to fought this battle and come as victorious as she has.!

This ends my tribute.

-Angela

Allow me first of all to thank you all for following my wife's blog. When she first started to blog it started as a theraphy for her to express what she was going thru. Little did she  realize that it was  going to be more than just that.  A relative of mine told me during the wake that her blog is now being used as a research reference for cancer patience learning how to cope with cancer-they have seen that many people who are faced cancer just go thru regression from the day that they find out about the big C in their life.  Mind you, until the end Biko never regressed in fighting.  The last few days while she was with us, there was an episode of nine seizures for two minutes within 24 hours.  One nurse told me that fifteen seconds is enough to send you beside Jesus.  When she woke up after that 9 seizures, she said ' I'm  not going to die, so therefore buy me pizza so I can eat".  Like always she was strong willed and determined as could be,  If it were not for the pain relievers that made her drowsy, she probably would have grabbed me by the collar and told me to buy her favorite "garden fresh" pizza or else...

Indeed my wife - Biko has really lived a full life.  Some people commented that it was such a waste that she died at 41 and could have done more. Maybe that's true, but on the other hand after living with her since we got married (April 9, 1988), I could truly say she has  indeed  lived it to the fullest.  Every time time I get hit with the idea of her being still being with us, I  would end up thinking of the many things we have done together.  This might seem strange to many but her life was most productive when she was first diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.  Though limited in some way, but yet because of God's intervention everything just fell into place without her doing much work.

For those who ask the question "how are we doing as a family?" my answer is "we are no experts in this but I think we are doing fine".  My two great kids went into a four -day short break, hoping to get our minds into the right perspective of things.  And this are some of the things we have gathered:

• Biko lived a life of putting others needs before her own needs.
• Biko didn't waste her time being idle. She lived a life full of faith, even to the point of confronting her biggest fear . I was not cancer it was "leaving us three behind".
• Biko thought us to make use with the little we have, and allow it to grow in its proper time, and when it bears fruit take what you need and give the others away.
• Biko brought out the best in us, by putting aside the negative and highlighting the positive.
• Biko told us not to "take crap from unproductive people"
• Biko was a person of few words, but when she said her piece many if not all would be silenced by the liberating truth.
• Biko reminded us that God's mercy is not limited by  numbers (70 x 7), but limited by our own willingness to take risks.

I promised Biko's high school friends that Biko would  be their in  high school reunion on 2010 , not knowing of what was going to happen. But little did I realize that it would not exactly turn out the way I planned.  No her spirit will not be with us - I would rather it be with Jesus where it can be perfect and free from all the crazy things we go through down here. Instead, what we have are good memories (by choice) that we can dwell on and learn. 

Much prayers has been said for Biko now my prayers are focused on us who are left to do the rest of the work.  My prayer is that we pick up where Biko ended and move on till we see her again.

I consider that our present suffering are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Romans 8:1

Every evening used to be quite similar back in the good old days. I would drown myself in notes played on the guitar or piano until words would come out of those strung slurs and breaks.

I've written about practically everything I have become conscious of, but there are those special songs that fly out of the heap.

I wrote this song for my mother some two years ago. It speaks of faith, love and trust. All of which me and my mother exchanged so generously.

Just to inform those who have not yet heard the news, Ma. Victoria Ho-Mabilog, directress of Alphacrest Christian Academy, former professor in the Iloilo National High School- School for the Arts, well-renowned freelance painter from Cebu City, Spiritual Leader, Mother, Wife and friend, passed away last June 25, 2008 at 11 pm.

Doctors cannot pinpoint exactly what the cause of her retirement was. Some doctors say it was either due to a spread of cancer cells in minute amounts to diverse systems in her body. Still others conclude that it was an outcome of numerous complications caused by a mixed up bundle of various side effects of her treatments and the damage cancer did to her.

One thing can be said without a doubt though.

Biko, as our dearly beloved was known to us all as, fought the good fight and won it with arms raised high. She is victorious in every way. So now is the time for her to savor sweet triumph in the  presence of our Father.

Biko was  an inspiration to us all, stirring faith in the unbelieving, offering comfort to the broken, sharing wisdom to the seekers of knowledge, and showering love upon the unloving.

She was unlike any other. No one has impacted our lives the way she has, and what's more is that what influence she has over us will not end here.

As true as it is that Biko Mabilog is no longer with us, absence is not a good enough reason for something so beautiful and majestic to end.

Yes, my friends, Canvas and Manuscripts is not going to turn into another un-updated, unowned blog. It will continue to be an inspiration the way my mother, Biko Mabilog, shall and always will be an array of  hope to us all.

Life does not end in death. Death is the end of the beginning. Biko's life has just begun and, just like us, her life will go on. Only difference is, she is in a place we cannot go to yet. Someday.

For the meantime, let us live our lives the way Biko showed us how to live them.

                    '...We are but Jars of Clay carrying precious riches.'

After four months of constant treatment for the metastasis of the breast cancer to my brain, I submitted myself to yet another laboratory test last week.  This was to be the most major one, to determine if the cancer spread in my brain had been successfully dealt with by the 20-day radiation treatment which I received last month in Cebu.

 

Previous to that, I had my regular breast and ovarian ultrasound, liver check, chest x-ray, bone scan and some other procedures which all gave positive indications that there were no cancer spreads elsewhere in my body.

 

The brain scan was the tough one though.  The previous three brain scans all had shown apparently worsening tumors and so I could not feel anything but apprehension that day.  It so happened that while I was waiting for my turn, the doctor who was going to read my results walked in and waited with us.

 

As soon as the 5-minute scan was over, she asked Bong to come back the next day for the official reading.  She must not want to personally deliver the bad news, I thought.  So we got up to leave.  But, just a few seconds after turning around to go home, she excitedly called us back into the office.

 

No more sign of any malignancy in the brain.  That’s what she said.   

 

And so I hurdle yet another major trial with God's amazing grace and provision. 

 

Thank God and thank you all for your tenacious and fervent prayers.  There were days when I felt like the sick man who was brought down through the roof by his friends, in order to receive the healing of Jesus.  It seemed like I could not muster the faith to go on, but God reminded me that I had friends all over the world who prayed for me with much faith and expectation.

 

I am truly blessed. 

(Here are photos of some of my most persistent prayer warriors and encouragers:  my dear VCF family, pastors of different churches in Iloilo, my Assumption friends and the AlphaCrest staff.  Thanks, Coney for coming all the way to pray for me and give me a prophetic word.)

 

I was in the hospital lobby today, minding my own business as I waited for my turn at the CT scan room.  I was waiting to have another check to see if the malignant tumor that was removed from my brain a month ago did not leave any unwanted trail marks.  To be honest, I was trying to ward off discouragement and fear while I also struggled with the constant pain in my left ear.   I guess, after so many lab tests, I still had not mastered the anxiety that thinking about the lab results normally bring. 

 

I was hungry, impatient and worried, very close to a tamtrum.  My husband and my son were trying to amuse me in vain.  

 

Agony would have been too simple a word to describe my disposition. 

 

As I wallowed in self-imposed misery, I looked up to see my cousin walk in.  She sat beside me and proceeded to tell me that she had just found a lump on her breast and was there for a mammogram.  Pray for her, a voice prompted me.  How could I, was all I could think of.  I nudged Bong and whispered to him to pray for her but he was talking to someone so she and I ended up talking about forgettable things.  After a few moments of chit-chat, she stood up and proceeded to the mammography room.  She came out a few minutes later to tell me that the doctors were on Holy Week break and so she had to wait five more days to have the necessary tests done.  By then I could almost tangibly feel the fear that she must have felt upon having to wait longer, the same one I felt the first moment that cancer became a possibility in my life two years ago.

 

I put my arm around her and started praying for her, that God’s peace and supernatural joy would come upon her during the waiting time.  I prayed for His healing touch for her body.  I proceeded to share with her about God’s promises of healing and about His grace and great love for His children. 

 

Having done all these, a supernatural joy came upon me in an instant.  My faith suddenly rose up for my own healing. As God performed His work on the two of us, we both broke down in tears as well as hope.

 

This incident reminded me of a statement I once read, that when we are fighting a battle, if we will give out of our need, God will cause our answer to come to us quicker. 

 

What ecstasy we have in knowing and receiving the wonderful grace of God as we give in our time of need.  His word promises,

 

Pray for one another, that you may be healed.

James 5:16

 

The unofficial biopsy result is out that the mass removed from my brain a few weeks ago was malignant.  The good news is that it was well-defined and removed totally by my neurosurgeon.  The not-so good news is that the second ct scan showed suspicious malignancies on the other side of my brain.  The challenge now is to keep our toes up and make sure that it will not spread and that the growth of more tumors will stop.

 

The difference between my two operations is that after my mastectomy and consequent cancer treatment last year, I was fighting the battle on intellect, logic and reason.  My confidence was on my good doctors and good medicine.  This time, after the recent brain surgery, my confidence is based on my faith that God has already orchestrated my total healing.

 

The first few days out of brain surgery, I could not think clearly.  There were even times when I thought that I was seeing a garden of flowers in heaven right on the ceiling of my hospital room.  Once, I had to write down my name and my kids' names and birthdays on a notebook for fear I will always forget them.  Gradually, my memory started to come back and I realized that the handsome man sleeping on the couch by my bed is actually my husband (right, Sis. Beth?).  I had been alternating between hope and depression for most of the time and ironically became focused and determined again once I found out that the tumor was malignant.

 

Many prayers have been said and many prophecies have been given.  For sure, this experience has only brought me even closer to an understanding of God’s grace and an openness for His purposes in my life that are yet to be fulfilled. 

 

I received an encouraging text message from my multiply friend, Lian, which really speaks to me in this new chapter of my life:  Often the most trying times are the most beneficial to our Christian growth.  Consider Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  Remember Moses and the trials he faced.  If you read the Scriptures, you will hardly find anything about the easy times.  All the glories came out of the hard times.  If you are really to be reconstructed, it will be in a hard time...at a time when you think all things are dried up.

 

Also, in church today, Pastor Manny Carlos gave me this amazing prophetic word that spoke new rhema to me of God's assurance:

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will direct your path.

 

Proverbs 3:5 

 

Such a simple verse that I have always known by heart, but this time it was a sure reminder to stop approaching this situation with statistics, reason and human understanding, but instead embrace God's work in my life and stand in faith that He is in control. 

 

Do stand with us in faith that this is the last frontier on the road to conquest for God's glory.

 

I will be undergoing brain surgery tomorrow to remove the suspicious lump that they just found accidentally, no, providentially on the right side of my brain.  That in itself is already a great story. 

 

The discovery was actually a miracle, because I did not have any symptoms to indicate that it was there.  Please pray for my doctors tomorrow, that their hand will be guided during the operation and that recovery will be smooth and swift.   Pray also for all other favorable results. 

 

God’s word for me today is clear:

 

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

You will restore my life again;

From the depths of the earth you will bring me up.

You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

 

Psalm 71:19-21

 

Let me just share this little story:

 

For the last three days, I had been suffering from severe depression and could not find any reason to hope.  One of my doctors said that if ever the results proved that I had a tumor in my brain, I will only have three more months to live.  Last Saturday, when I got a final report that I indeed have a 2 cm tumor in the right side of my brain, I called my two children and my husband and we all cried together for a long time.  I gave some final instructions for the two kids two make sure that they take care of their father when I go.  I apologized for any hurts I might have caused them and I told them that I loved them and was so proud to be their Mom.  Needless to say, my kids and husband were so broken.

 

Before midnight that Saturday, we drove off to the hospital for my hospital confinement.  Along the way, I kept asking God for a divine word from Him to assure me that He was still thinking of me.  For the past few days God had seemed to be silent.  Part of the time, I was questioning God why this had to happen, of all times at the height of our high school class reunion that was celebrated over the weekend.  I had been co-laboring with my friends for its success and missing most of the events was a total letdown.  I told God that if He loved me He should have let me enjoy these last few moments with my dear high school friends before He took me away.  I knew the event had turned into a bittersweet one for my friends, too.

 

And then, in the flash of an eye, God's word became very clear to me. 

 

He instantly reminded me that our class verse was:

 

And He took her by the hand and said to her, Talitha kuom! 

(which means little girl I say to you, get up from that bed of affliction!)

Mark 5:41

 

It dawned on me that 25 years ago God spoke that word to us as a class, for some reason that I could not even now connect. But, I do remember choosing that verse personally after going through the New Testament several times.  In faith I now believe that He also purposed for it to be the word that will boost my faith, our faith as a class, 25 years later as we celebrate our reunion and as I face the battle of my life today.  

 

God's word instantly became alive!  What a miracle that revelation was to me. 

 

What at first, to me, had been a regretful timing of circumstances has now proven to be God's divine way of speaking to me and assuring me that He is in control of my life.  Had this not happened at the time of our reunion, His words of promise through our class verse would not have seemed as clear and purposeful.  Indeed, He is the same God yesterday, today and forever. 

 

I felt so honored that on Sunday, my classmates chose to make as our class’ mass offering, a small Assumption doll on a green bed (the same color as my hospital bed at that) as an act of faith in God’s love and mercy.  Needless to say, the Jubilarian novena and mass were also partly celebrated with my healing as an intention.  Our Mother Superior, Sister Claire, interrupted the celebrations to make that clear.

 

I am aware also, that all over the world, my brethren from my beloved spiritual family, Victory Christian Fellowship, and many other churches were praying for me.   All these prayers must have been the reason why the cloud of depression just suddenly lifted, and now I feel renewed with faith and hope.

 

For those who are asking where I am right now, all I can say is that I am in a position of surrender.  Not an act of surrender that is taken when the battle is lost, but surrender in the sense of coming to the place of full trust, much like a wife lovingly and humbly surrenders in trust to her husband.  God in His infinite wisdom orchestrated everything in such a way that I have no doubt in my heart that He is speaking clearly to me and all of my friends at this time.

 

Today,  I am once again full of faith that God has great plans for me and for all of us.  So for those of you in your own crossroads, I encourage you to claim this word as yours too.  I do not know how this new challenge will end for me, but I choose to hold on to God's promise and care, as should you.  He's the best caregiver we've got.

 

Thank you all guys, for your love and support.  I am blessed not to have had to wait for death for my friends to have something nice to say about me.

 

 My high school classmates all trooped to the hospital to visit me after their lunch yesterday.  I could only shrug my shoulders when I was told that hospital security did not approve of such a number of visitors in one room.  Stop them if you can, was all I could say.

 

 

Well, my bag is packed and in a few hours I will be hospital bound again.  The brain scan results had just come in and there is certainly a 2 cm tumor there.  The initial assessment of my team of doctors is that it had probably already been there from the start but was left undetected by my initial scans.  I will be first treated for the edema in the brain that is causing my facial paralysis, partial deafness and immobility. 

 

After that, we will worry about the tumor.  Please continue to believe with us for God's miracle and provision.